apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
