I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
