I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Text me some of your sweat
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