I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
