Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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