She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
did i walk over a car last night?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
