The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
