My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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