I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
