He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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