you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
