it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
a search helicopter?!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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