we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
