im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
