I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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