Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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