He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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