My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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