Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
