Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
