God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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