you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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