so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
