I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
