I am puke
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
