we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
