Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
