you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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