I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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