I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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