I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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