when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
