i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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