Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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