wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
