life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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