I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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