i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
