sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
