I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
