I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
