If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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