my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I intend to get homeless drunk
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
