Don't make out with my wife yet
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
