I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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