my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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