So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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