I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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