I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.