And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
