youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize