He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
