i just wanna soil my oats bro
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
