Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
