I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
