I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
God, I missed his penis.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
