im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
