When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
